Top 5 ways to know you are in Bhubaneswar :

City of Temples - Bhubaneswar is the capital of Odisha (formerly Orissa) and is one of the only 2 planned cities in India. Yeah, that's right Mumbai, we don't drift in the sewage water even if there is a super cyclone every alternate year. A few years ago, I went down to a very famous college deep down the south in their TechFest. When asked to name my college, I said 'ITER', Bhubaneswar, very apprehensive if he knew about my college. The next savvy question which left me flabbergasted was "Dude! By the way..."where's Bhubaneswar?" A swift kick in his jaw would have done the trick but sensible as I am, I thought of writing this article after 3 years.

Top 5 ways to know you are in Bhubaneswar:

1. Arrive and be left at the mercy of the crafty auto-wallahs as soon as you have taken in the first breath. This species of human beings are very adept in picking up their prey at their disposal. Talk in anything but Odia and you are on a one way trip to bankruptcy. But rest assured, these simple people are nothing like their kind in Delhi. They will drop you off at your destination without qualms. It is the only place in the whole world where he'll pack the entire auto with a circus and plead you with a smile with the sorcerous dialogue: "Bhai tike aaga pachha heiki basila (Brother, please adjust by seating either at the edge of the seat or at the back.) You'll find yourself saying "Haan Bhai" invariably.

2. Odisha is famous for its paan too. Take that Banaras! Before moving forward, let me define for you what exactly a “khatti” around here is. The gathering of indolent yet intellectual men around paan shops as hotspots for discussions on world politics to picking apart local politicians can be defined as "khatti" or "adda". It generally occurs in the evening or at any member's discretion during holidays. You'll be surprised to know how 8 hours of discussion can be supported entirely by 1 cup of tea , 4 paans and a 'classic mild'.

3. This, now, is a specialty of Odisha. Apart from all the monuments, temples, rivers, beaches, lakes, forest, natural parks blah blah... Common! We abound in all these. Not important. When I was in Bangalore, I once asked our cook to give me left-over rice when I was hungry. "Le lo bhaiya. Waise bhi kutte ko dene walle thhe", he said without batting an eyelid. Anyways, I took the rice in a bowl and poured in water to the brim with some curd, put in some salt and peeled an onion. And then I ate it. What! You've never heard of anyone eating like that? Rice and water? Neither did my cook. Well, now you do. It's called "Pokhalo". For further details, you know how to google. Right?

4. If you have come in for the first time, beware of the ubiquitous accent of our sweet people. ‘Why' will be spoken as 'Hooaay', 'Was' as 'Waaj' and 'Vegetables as 'Bhejjitabools'. Don't be misled or laugh like a jackass when you hear this. You might be chased around the town by men in brown dhotis with slippers in their hands on Atlas bicycles. Respect and beget respect. They will come out with open arms if you are ask them of any favor - as long as they don’t suspect you of being a Chit Fund agent. If you have an opinion of anything, keep it to yourself. We form enough opinions in our "khattis".

5. The weather of Bhubaneswar is in itself an enigma. Hot in the noon, breezy in the evening. All the seasons make their presence felt with an authority. One of the greenest city in the entire country, it is a landscape bustling with culture and traditions (which can go for a toss if caught by a traffic policeman). Lip-smacking food/snacks in stalls and dhabbas, water in 1 rupee pouches and "moodhi" as a staple diet is the life line of this city.

So the next time you hear or see a word like Bhubaneswar, remember of this article and how your entire life is a lie when someone tells you it is "some place in the east". And in the future if anyone asks you the question, "Dude! By the way..."where's Bhubaneswar?” smack him with a Manorama GK book for me. And then send me a FB friend request.

Tatkal Tantra

Time: 0400 hrs.

Date: 27 May 2013

Venue: Whitefield, Bangalore

A dark figure looms in the distance. Lonely and furtive in his movements, the specter sinisterly shifts lanes and cuts a sharp corner. His face is covered with a hood and so are his intents. He stops, glances at his watch for a brief moment. And then runs.

Ignoring the cognizance of his own identity, he rushes to his destination. He smiles and takes a deep breath. But his nascent mirth soon vanishes. There were others too.

He resigns to his own fate - his inevitable destiny.

And so, our hero – Champak Chauhan, opens up his cheap hoodie ‘Abibas’ he bought from the Brigade Road from his head and joins the line for Tatkal at the Whitefield Railway Station. His face is sweaty and drips of the emotion of a 5 year old whose pacifier has just been snatched. He curses himself for having stopped to relieve himself off the highway which apparently cost him 4 valuable minutes. Carefully enough, he chose not to abuse any of the gods because he had learnt an important lesson in life. Never damn a bridge until you have crossed it.

Still drowsy, he took a massive yawn which scared off a couple of dogs that were sniffing up his legs. Yesterday had been a day of personal triumph for Champak, a red letter day – if you may. After buying his boss, a daily dosage of a large coffee and Mysore Masala Dosa for 38 consecutive days, (his personal best), he finally found courage to put across those vital words in front of him. Yes! He got a holiday for 3 successive days.

He had not seen his family, ‘since time immemorial’, as he would put in his words. He tried hard to remember the name of the college his younger brother got into a year back. 3 of his cousins had got married off to UK, USA and Australia. Of course he remembered the countries’ names but not their spouses’; he pondered over the promised onsite 3 years back. Maybe he should have bought enough idlis with regular dosas for his orangutan of a boss with a gargantuan appetite.

But he still had hope. A dangerous sentiment for a man with receding hairline and a pot-belly without anything to do with booze.

Champak was still lost in his imaginations when he woke up with a kick on his behind and a yelp.
“Hey idiot! Get going, the line’s moving”

Champak scampered back to reality and helplessly cringed his face when he saw the massacre at the counter end of the line. He tried to bring order to the chaos by addressing the people in front of him as his brothers to which he received, with utmost reverence, references of his mother and sisters.

Sore with the commotion, Champak finally battled his way through to the counter’s window. The time was half an hour past 8. Anxiously, Champak handed over the form and the money. The person on the other side spat out a chunk of paan in a bin and asked for his ID. Champak promptly handed over his DL.

“This doesn't look like you. When was this taken?”

“2 years ago” replied Champak

“Common! This isn't you. Do you live here? Let me check that again.”

He adjusted his spectacles and stared hard down Champak’s face. And spat out a bit more paan.

“Son, am leaving you this time. I don't like your haircut. Doesn't match your photo”

Then he looked at the form and entered data into his computer, finding relevant keys on the keyboard at his ease. Champak, meanwhile, was biting his nails as if watching an India – Pakistan final.

“Sorry beta. Waiting 30. You should have come a bit earlier. NEXT!”

Now Champak could safely blame his God. And with teary eyes, himself too, for knowing for certain that his life was a waste and he was a total failure.

Breaking News : The IPL Pandemic

Sitting in my home, squashing mosquitoes in the dark and watching IPL with 2 intermittent power cuts is all I need to kill my time every day. The sense of hollow contribution to a nation’s favorite pastime gives my life a new meaning. It’s not that I have not seen a million sixes and fours in my life earlier on TV, it’s just for taking a side and commenting rubbish on my friends wall in FB against their teams. Who wouldn't love that?

Intriguingly enough, the thing that I’ve been concerned about is the army of mind-numbed people grooving to 'Jumping Japang' that it is breeding every day. I mean, I am OK with the initiative that BCCI has taken up to create at least 10 million cheerleaders in India by the end of this season. But seriously, they could have atleast not shown the hairy orangutan of man dancing on the instructions of its ringmaster (read Farah Khan). From the news in smaller print it was revealed that they had initially hired a real orangutan, Babli, for the act. But, Farah Khan thought it was better to outsource it to some hobo for lesser number of bananas than Babli would have consumed and it would be less embarrassing too.

The soulful and meaningful jingle that it is, it has been compellingly flushed down the veins of the modern day TV channels. And with what results! If Kapil paaji and Sidhu paaji (no pun intended) can move their bodies to this national rejoice, then the youth of this nation can definitely join in unabashed. 'Jumping Japang Jampak Jampak!' This encapsulates the spirit, the enthusiasm, the literacy rate, and the number of people with a high tolerance capacity for bullcrap in India. Even Jaadoo from Koi Mil Gaya has threatened to unsubscribe from the channel, which airs its film 24x7, after his kids went crazy and his powers could not heal them. In events, totally unrelated, the Delhi earthquake shocks were pinpointed to an epicenter other than the Hindu Kush. It all began when Farah Khan naïvely decided to force Mukesh Ambani's son do the 'Jumping Japang' at the Wankhede.

That being said, the IPL is a raging fever among the people in this country. IPL has united the country more than Arvind Kejriwal or Baba Ramdev ever could. If they had paid more attention to the current affairs, they could have nominated Sachin for their party leader and won by a landslide.

Personally, I might be branded as a fan of RCB. I love their attitude, I love the city. An uncertain Gaylestorm against the Pune Warriors made more headlines in India than the Hurricane Sandy or the Boston Blasts in the US. In short, the idea of a whole team is perceived as this one big Jamaican Monster who came from the ship from Captain Jack Sparrow. But as Sidhu says, 'Their batting line up is like an Indian cycle stand. If one falls, all fall.'

Shah Rukh Khan has strategically planned the shooting of his films just on the onset of IPL so that no one dares to make a news of him getting banned from the rest of the stadiums hosting the IPL. Shilpa Shetty and Priety Zinta have obviously fell short of ways of motivating their teams. Their teams have moved on since the days of hugging and dancing became clichés after every match.

Well, Delhi might not have done anything its fans would have loved, but its contribution to the on-field lingo is instrumental. Whether it’s an uprooted stump or a taken catch, the sheer amount of pleasure and pumping-up the players love to get by commemorating the mother and sister of the batsman who just got out, is phenomenal. Incidentally, Gambhir and Kohli were not auctioned by the Delhi because they felt that Delhi Police was already giving them a reputation that no one in the nation could forget. The news headlines across India nowadays reads 'Delhi Gang rapes continue, latest victim: Delhi Daredevils'

Talking about Chennai... Well, I would prefer not to. I may be tried for blasphemy towards the 'divine enlightment' Shri Shri Sir Ravindra Jadeja. He is no ordinary man. He has an uncanny ability to twist the fates of many a puffed-up cricketers around him. His reverend miracle of the CSK vs RCB match will go down inscribed in gold in the annals of IPL history. Too bad he refused the office of the Pope after Pope Benedict XVI resigned. (Some say Shri Shri Jadeja Sir came in his dreams and said - 'Tumse na hoga beta'). The legend lives on.

The stadiums have been jam packed every day, everywhere. This was a cleverly veiled plan for decreasing the number of rape and eve-teasing cases in each of the cities by the ruling parties. Theft and robberies have also gone down the charts because everyone's out there betting on their teams and increasing the economy of the state. Win Win!

But the crowd has still been getting their money's worth. The cheerleaders! This season, I often wondered whether a body like PETA (for animals) exists for these poor souls. Fair ladies, makeup sloshed in sweat, bodies gyrating in the charring heat and uneasy smiles on their faces. They seem to dance on a cue as if Gabbar Singh has held Viru (no pun intended) and said 'Jab tak chhakke padege, tab tak tere paw chelenge'! No wonder why some of them have threatened to quit if Gayle and Pollard play in the same match. Come to think of it, Rohit Sharma is a frightening sadist who only waits for the IPL to torture these lovely ladies and seldom bothers the scoreboard otherwise.

Of course we might argue about excavating new talents from the earlier neglected regions of India in the light of IPL. It has given a reason for young blood to make their career more lucrative and some oldies like Debashish Mohanty and Sanjay Bangar, a reason to sulk and weep in their sofas. Except for the fact that some celebrities of the past are still riding on their aging horses. Gilly and Ponting have been the hitmen of their times, but common, you cannot be like Sachin in this lifetime atleast! You are not old wine in a new bottle, you are yesterday’s left over soup, however good you may have been. It’s time to explore other options what else you can do with your body, down under (no pun intended). And being a sensible human being, I’ll simply refuse to write about India’s favorites – Ashish Nehra, Ajit Agarkar and Lakshmipathy Balaji lest I draw a flak from their fans.

Breaking News : Porn OK Please!

Although I still am writing articles, I think it's time to self publish as well. I am currently posting all my articles on the youth online magazine www.jammag.com of which you can checkout on the website, all by the name of "chirisco".

So I thought, why not reach out to you by myself too, through my own blog. All these articles are edited, yet unabridged. This is the first one that was published in the mag on 12 June'13.
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Breaking News : Porn OK Please!

Champak Chauhan (name changed for confidentiality) is a promising lad from the middle strata of the Indian Society. Every day he wakes up at 6 o'clock and after his morning chores, wears a dhoti, smears an orange teeka on his forehead and performs a detailed aarti of the God he believes in, with all his soul - Hanumanji. He believes that ‘Tann ki shakti, mann ki shakti’ comes from unflinching bhakti and not from a chocolaty powder called Bournvita.

Thereafter, he humbly puts on the ID-card of Infosys-Bangalore and hops on to the bus hoping that his Project manager, yet again, considers his plea for an onsite approval which he had been promised 3 years ago. Champak is ‘soft spoken and as docile as a lamb’, according to his last appraisal. He was a bit unhappy the way things were going on of late and was heard saying “In 5 years, even my cubicle hasn’t changed, let alone onsite”. Still, he sailed on. But something inside his mind snapped on April 16th this year.
"Champak started swearing uncontrollably later that evening in his office canteen and even went to the Brahmachari Hanumanji Temple across the street and created a ruckus there. He swung himself up a 'mandir ka ghanta' and thundered to God to punish some wrongdoers“, said his colleague Amit who has known him for the past 5 years. When he got exhausted and calmed down, he was found uttering 'Prawn! Prawn!' under his breath. "We couldn't understand the head or tail of it. What did the poor sea creatures do?” said Amit.
It was then known that Champak had been violently been shaken of the fact that the government had, on that day, tried to pass a petition to block all the ‘porn’ websites in the country.

"Has the government gone nuts? How can I believe ‘Congress ka haath Aam aadmi k saath’ when we men will not be allowed to use our own hands...? I am 27 years old. My B.Tech life ended without finding a girlfriend, even today I have no confidence to talk to these high-maintenance girlfriend materials in the IT industry. My neighbour Cheeku, a class 7 student has made 3 girlfriends just by chatting with them on WhatsApp. My mother has stopped seeing marriage prospects for me after getting many rejections because of the growing a bald spot on my head (even Dr. Batra's medicine is having no effect on it). And they had to think of banning the porn now?” a concerned and violated Champak had to speak out.

Champak rejects the idea that viewing porn may induce young boys to come on the streets naked and chase women to rape them. "Even girls watch porn! All of my B.Tech life, I had been asking my old room-mate, Rituporno DasMujkherjee, as to why he kept exchanging his pen-drive daily with his girlfriend, to which he didn’t respond but always smiled back", Champak reflected on his past days.
The day he wanted to print his Final Year Project, (which was the best project in the entire college, he claims), he borrowed the pen-drive from his roomie's girlfriend and gave it to a cyber-café near his college, to print it.

"When I returned to collect the printed papers, I was shell-shocked to see the pictures of my favorite actresses - Sunny Leone and Priya Rai, among other pages in my thesis. All the girls in my college avoid speaking to me even today - when they are married with 2 kids!”

The plight of Champak is the status quo with any other youngster in India. Hardick Sharma from Uttar Pradesh has even gone to the extent of challenging the Section 69A, which came into effect on October 27, 2009 that has raised the bar for the executive power to block porn websites. It states that the government can still block such websites, but only if they create a "public order" problem -- an unlikely probability. Savita Bhabhi, for instance, can hardly start a riot. "The hypocritical name of the (aforesaid) Section is sending a wrong message to the people in India. It should be amended as soon as possible”, came out the cry of a public servant in the Punjab Municipality.

The resurgent problem is not a new weed in our ancient garden. It seems young boys and girls in our country have been potential targets since a long time. Harandeep Sandhu, a member of the Haryana Khap Panchayat is a renowned social activist in his village. "Pornography poisons the mind of our Indian men. The internet is an evil and somebody should pull the plug out of the socket before it does any more harm, literally. I have personally written a letter and send it through speed post to our Chief Minister Bhupinder Singhji to ask someone to shut down the switch and lock the door from outside maintaining a security perimeter.”

Haryana on a positive swing, has taken some bold decisions to curtail the detested bestiality in their men. "The Haryana Khap Panchayat is absolutely right in stating that the consumption of Chowmein fuels the animalistic rage in young men due to hormonal imbalance”, a member of the Panchayat was noted quoting.
Khap Panchayats had evoked outrage after Sube Singh, a Khap leader, advocated the lowering of age of marriage for girls from 18 years to 16 years on the grounds that young girls are vulnerable to rapes and should be married off earlier. But the Panchayat defends its statement by making this one, "This is a cautious step that our senior and educated leaders have taken to ensure an even better security of women. If a man is under the influence of chowmein and somebody yells from behind that the girl is 16 years or more, then automatically, a self-realization would dawn upon the man that the girl is probably married and should not be pursued and raped. She is somebody else’s property. This has worked out very well in Haryana, though it’s still in its experimental stages.


Banning porn on the internet seems to be the new course of action being contemplated upon after the incident where two ministers were caught red-handed watching porn in the Karnataka Assembly. One of the minister held the portfolio for women and child development. He also said the clip he watched "was of four people molesting a foreigner" and added "I am not a criminal". It can well be taken for granted the discretion of the gentleman that he meant no disrespect to the 'Indian' women in particular and held the dignity of his office in spirit and letter.