Two guys and a girl walk into a restaurant and sit beside
the table that me and my buddy are occupying. It is some inexpensive dhaba that
has branded itself 'Karthik Family
Reshtoorant' in a deserted place off the highway. The only hustle and noise
inside the restaurant is from the howling dog that the owner unleashes on the
customers saying 'Nahi kaatega, saar'
and a loud TV that has been precariously perched on the stand above my head.
Boy 1: Smita! Kya dekh
rahi hai tabse TV mein?
Girl (chirping happily): Bade
achhe lagte hai!
Boy 2 (devilishly smiling): Abey! Bade kisko achhe nahi lagte hai?
He got a smack on his head with the handbag that the girl
was carrying, when she got the joke.
Watching TV these days is an ordeal! Please don’t crib about
all the wonderful shows that are on air these days. Well let me tell you this
from a perspective of a boy who has just completed 4 years in oblivion of the
world around him. Yeah, a bachelor's degree in some irrelevant stream can do
that to you. The only friend that I can think of that helped me make this
"leap of faith" is my laptop.
Here's what owning a laptop in a god-forsaken place does to
you. You come back to the civilized world and go to a cinema hall. As soon as
the first song in a film comes along, you tell the guy beside you "Bhai zara song forward kar de
naa". When you watch BBC News with your dad, the thing that is
constantly bugging you is, "Err...Papa,
iska subtitle nahi hai kya?" But then, you eventually have to resign
to the TV when your "stock" is finished.
Our TV is a 15 year old ancient artifact which randomly switches
channels on its whims and taunts you back by rejecting its good ol' pal - the
remote control. It wakes up with a hazy picture and whines all day with its
busted speakers. NO! This is not a result of our domestic violence on the TV. It’s
just its way of cribbing about us forcing it to work way past its retirement.
Well, the first thing I come across these days is a man who
upholds nationalism, patriotism and sense of duty for the nation. You can guess
him it right! Well, maybe not completely right...but I'll give you a hint. Who
has the power to control the youth minds in the country and uses only shudh Hindi. No it’s not Narendra Modi
this time.
Common! This man holds the Guinness World Record in rounding
up all the narcissistic attention seekers, unemployed and the yo-yo youth in
our country under a single platform. Which man gives these people their coveted
self-esteem by verbally molesting them (well, most of the time for their own
stupidity) on national television? Raghu from Roadies, anyone?
I overheard this conversation in the bus the other day.
Boy 1: Yaar! I was
in the roadies audition this time. I made to the PI round! Did you go too?
Boy 2: You're kidding me. You weren't on the TV.
Boy 1: Dude! You seriously need to rethink what you want
from your life. Hell yeah, I was on the TV. You didn't notice me in the queue
for the audition wearing a "Raghu
mera baap hai" cap? This was my 8th audition!
Boy 2: NO.
Boy 1: Well, not your fault. You haven't felt that 'Roadies
Spirit' in you yet. Otherwise you would have been there as well.
Boy 2: Actually, I have job hours from 11am-8pm every day
and I need to support my family. But I watch it when I can.
Boy 1: Oh! Cut the crap dude. Even roadies has money. And
babes. Hmm... How can forget that? Hmmm? Hmmm??
Boy 2: I seriously think, the way these 1-on-1 interviews
turn up in the end, they should have brought in Kasab, Kalmadi, A Raja and Manmohan Singh too! At least they would
have confessed a bit early. Hahaha!
Boy 1: Kalma..., Raja,
Manohar? Dude? Who are these oldies? Do they work in your boring office?
Huh! You have no sense of humor. By the way, can you tell me who the PM of this
country is? Roadies 11 ka pakka interview question hai!
And we still cling to the hope of a better education in the
future.
As I turned on the TV, I saw certain obese men and women
dressed up like Lady Gaga and trying to perform some skit on the stage. Comedy
Circus. It took me 10 minutes to grasp the notion that they were desperately
trying to crack jokes and that I wasn't intelligent enough for it. May be the
government is organizing comedy shows for the people in mental asylums in
Ranchi and jailed politicians in Andaman.
And lo! There were judges too. One of
them was this hideous looking man who laughed like a hyena in labor and beside
him was Salman khan's look-alike stuntman.
Oh! Oh! My bad, I just googled the show. It says the Sallu
bhau's double is a random chap named Sohail and the other one is not a man. Not
even an amusing hyena. It's a woman. Archana Puran Singh. I should get more
sleep these days.
And so my mother comes and snatches the remote.
Me: Mum what’s these days on the Sony, the Star Plus
channels and the like? Wait, wait... whoa! Who are these burly aunties with
Bappi Lahiri complex? Mom! Isn’t this the same woman who tried to murder her husband,
burn down her in-laws house and run away with her driver 4 years ago?
Mum: Oh! No beta that is a different soap. This woman is a
nice bahu. She only gets tortured by her saas on dowry, bogged by every other
member of the house and she is trying to win them over by being nicer in the
kitchen.
Me: Oh! Amazing! What is the plot of this serial by the way?
Mum: It’s been over 7 years! Am I supposed to even care?
Me: All they show gives a wrong conception about Indian
families. How many people in India have palaces for their homes? And how many
women are a walking advertising space for branded jewelers, that too on days
without occasions?
Mum: Well, I don’t know. They say that every household can
relate to these serials. Plus only people with this kind of wealth can afford
to marry and divorce 5 times in a year. Probably with the same woman. Go to
hatch murder plots in expensive cars. Wear designer clothes to bed. And have a
fruit basket always filled up on their dining tables. In every damn serial. God!
Here a kilo of apple costs 100 rupees.
Me: Mom! What kind of a name is this for a soap: 'Punar Vivah - Zindagi Milegi Dobara'?
Is it a serial on Marriage Consultants? Seems to be their business tagline.
Mom: Naah! What do
you think this soap is based on: 'Ye
rishta kya kehlaata hai'? Dementia Patients? Or 'Mrs. Kaushik ki 5 bahuein' is based on? Family Planning?
And my TV did it again! Switched the channel all by
itself...
Dad: Oye! Reduce
the volume!
Me: What can I do? Ask Arnab Goswamy to cool down!
Dad: Oh! Let him scream. At least some scary tantric or a
bloody astrologer isn't.
Me: Hey dad, what's up with these politicians being exposed
in scams every day? When charged with proof, they still respond shamelessly by
counter questions, not by direct answers.
Dad: In the days of DD1, scamming was damn easy. All you had
to do was act innocent and the news would disappear within a few days. Now,
these people have a thousand mikes thrust down their throats everyday by the
ever increasing news channels. So politicians get frustrated and retort with
counter questions instead of answers. Like, "Sir, did you murder the
beggar near your house?" is met with "How dare you probe in my
personal matters? Was the beggar your relative? Who the hell made you a
journalist in the first place? "
Me: And they don't sort out the matter in Parliament?
Dad: Arre! that place has been long shut down. They have
given it as a lease to the local Ram-Lila actors for 5 years. Now-a-days, the
country is run from the bank lobbies in Switzerland and an Italian Pizza
Restaurant near Rajiv Gandhi's house. They levied a new tax yesterday: The POTOX
Tax. Money from this tax will be utilized in repairing the broken mikes, tables
and fans, buying earplugs for the house speaker and a red carpet for the
routine walkouts from the house. It’s just like a BOTOX for the parliament.
Me: Hmm... Dad, which is the channel number for Cartoon
Network?
Dad: 43
Me: No Dad! This is the channel for India TV! Which one
is...Oh! Hehehe... I get it.
And so after a brief time sorting out which channels to
watch, I couldn't end up with any one in my list. But I still decided to give
it a last chance. That night I quietly walked into the drawing room after
everyone was fast asleep at night.
Channel 66. Yay! Fashion TV! OMG! Midnight
HOT! In 5...4...3...2...1!
Wait...whaa..??? This can't be happening! Are you
kidding me? Asaram Bapu on Aastha Channel! Damn you cable operator! That
despicable idiot changed the connection.
F@#K it! Am going back to my laptop. Forever.
