Mummy, Ye Idiot Box Kya Hota Hai?

Two guys and a girl walk into a restaurant and sit beside the table that me and my buddy are occupying. It is some inexpensive dhaba that has branded itself 'Karthik Family Reshtoorant' in a deserted place off the highway. The only hustle and noise inside the restaurant is from the howling dog that the owner unleashes on the customers saying 'Nahi kaatega, saar' and a loud TV that has been precariously perched on the stand above my head.

Boy 1: Smita! Kya dekh rahi hai tabse TV mein?

Girl (chirping happily): Bade achhe lagte hai!

Boy 2 (devilishly smiling): Abey! Bade kisko achhe nahi lagte hai?

He got a smack on his head with the handbag that the girl was carrying, when she got the joke.

Watching TV these days is an ordeal! Please don’t crib about all the wonderful shows that are on air these days. Well let me tell you this from a perspective of a boy who has just completed 4 years in oblivion of the world around him. Yeah, a bachelor's degree in some irrelevant stream can do that to you. The only friend that I can think of that helped me make this "leap of faith" is my laptop.

Here's what owning a laptop in a god-forsaken place does to you. You come back to the civilized world and go to a cinema hall. As soon as the first song in a film comes along, you tell the guy beside you "Bhai zara song forward kar de naa". When you watch BBC News with your dad, the thing that is constantly bugging you is, "Err...Papa, iska subtitle nahi hai kya?" But then, you eventually have to resign to the TV when your "stock" is finished.

Our TV is a 15 year old ancient artifact which randomly switches channels on its whims and taunts you back by rejecting its good ol' pal - the remote control. It wakes up with a hazy picture and whines all day with its busted speakers. NO! This is not a result of our domestic violence on the TV. It’s just its way of cribbing about us forcing it to work way past its retirement.

Well, the first thing I come across these days is a man who upholds nationalism, patriotism and sense of duty for the nation. You can guess him it right! Well, maybe not completely right...but I'll give you a hint. Who has the power to control the youth minds in the country and uses only shudh Hindi. No it’s not Narendra Modi this time.

Common! This man holds the Guinness World Record in rounding up all the narcissistic attention seekers, unemployed and the yo-yo youth in our country under a single platform. Which man gives these people their coveted self-esteem by verbally molesting them (well, most of the time for their own stupidity) on national television? Raghu from Roadies, anyone?

I overheard this conversation in the bus the other day.

Boy 1: Yaar! I was in the roadies audition this time. I made to the PI round! Did you go too?

Boy 2: You're kidding me. You weren't on the TV.

Boy 1: Dude! You seriously need to rethink what you want from your life. Hell yeah, I was on the TV. You didn't notice me in the queue for the audition wearing a "Raghu mera baap hai" cap? This was my 8th audition!

Boy 2: NO.

Boy 1: Well, not your fault. You haven't felt that 'Roadies Spirit' in you yet. Otherwise you would have been there as well.

Boy 2: Actually, I have job hours from 11am-8pm every day and I need to support my family. But I watch it when I can.

Boy 1: Oh! Cut the crap dude. Even roadies has money. And babes. Hmm... How can forget that? Hmmm? Hmmm??

Boy 2: I seriously think, the way these 1-on-1 interviews turn up in the end, they should have brought in Kasab, Kalmadi, A Raja and Manmohan Singh too! At least they would have confessed a bit early. Hahaha!

Boy 1: Kalma..., Raja, Manohar? Dude? Who are these oldies? Do they work in your boring office? Huh! You have no sense of humor. By the way, can you tell me who the PM of this country is? Roadies 11 ka pakka interview question hai!

And we still cling to the hope of a better education in the future.

As I turned on the TV, I saw certain obese men and women dressed up like Lady Gaga and trying to perform some skit on the stage. Comedy Circus. It took me 10 minutes to grasp the notion that they were desperately trying to crack jokes and that I wasn't intelligent enough for it. May be the government is organizing comedy shows for the people in mental asylums in Ranchi and jailed politicians in Andaman. 

And lo! There were judges too. One of them was this hideous looking man who laughed like a hyena in labor and beside him was Salman khan's look-alike stuntman.

Oh! Oh! My bad, I just googled the show. It says the Sallu bhau's double is a random chap named Sohail and the other one is not a man. Not even an amusing hyena. It's a woman. Archana Puran Singh. I should get more sleep these days.

And so my mother comes and snatches the remote.

Me: Mum what’s these days on the Sony, the Star Plus channels and the like? Wait, wait... whoa! Who are these burly aunties with Bappi Lahiri complex? Mom! Isn’t this the same woman who tried to murder her husband, burn down her in-laws house and run away with her driver 4 years ago?

Mum: Oh! No beta that is a different soap. This woman is a nice bahu. She only gets tortured by her saas on dowry, bogged by every other member of the house and she is trying to win them over by being nicer in the kitchen.

Me: Oh! Amazing! What is the plot of this serial by the way?

Mum: It’s been over 7 years! Am I supposed to even care?

Me: All they show gives a wrong conception about Indian families. How many people in India have palaces for their homes? And how many women are a walking advertising space for branded jewelers, that too on days without occasions?

Mum: Well, I don’t know. They say that every household can relate to these serials. Plus only people with this kind of wealth can afford to marry and divorce 5 times in a year. Probably with the same woman. Go to hatch murder plots in expensive cars. Wear designer clothes to bed. And have a fruit basket always filled up on their dining tables. In every damn serial. God! Here a kilo of apple costs 100 rupees.

Me: Mom! What kind of a name is this for a soap: 'Punar Vivah - Zindagi Milegi Dobara'? Is it a serial on Marriage Consultants? Seems to be their business tagline.

Mom: Naah! What do you think this soap is based on: 'Ye rishta kya kehlaata hai'? Dementia Patients? Or 'Mrs. Kaushik ki 5 bahuein' is based on? Family Planning?

And my TV did it again! Switched the channel all by itself...

Dad: Oye! Reduce the volume!

Me: What can I do? Ask Arnab Goswamy to cool down!

Dad: Oh! Let him scream. At least some scary tantric or a bloody astrologer isn't.

Me: Hey dad, what's up with these politicians being exposed in scams every day? When charged with proof, they still respond shamelessly by counter questions, not by direct answers.

Dad: In the days of DD1, scamming was damn easy. All you had to do was act innocent and the news would disappear within a few days. Now, these people have a thousand mikes thrust down their throats everyday by the ever increasing news channels. So politicians get frustrated and retort with counter questions instead of answers. Like, "Sir, did you murder the beggar near your house?" is met with "How dare you probe in my personal matters? Was the beggar your relative? Who the hell made you a journalist in the first place? "

Me: And they don't sort out the matter in Parliament?

Dad: Arre! that place has been long shut down. They have given it as a lease to the local Ram-Lila actors for 5 years. Now-a-days, the country is run from the bank lobbies in Switzerland and an Italian Pizza Restaurant near Rajiv Gandhi's house. They levied a new tax yesterday: The POTOX Tax. Money from this tax will be utilized in repairing the broken mikes, tables and fans, buying earplugs for the house speaker and a red carpet for the routine walkouts from the house. It’s just like a BOTOX for the parliament.

Me: Hmm... Dad, which is the channel number for Cartoon Network?

Dad: 43

Me: No Dad! This is the channel for India TV! Which one is...Oh! Hehehe... I get it.

And so after a brief time sorting out which channels to watch, I couldn't end up with any one in my list. But I still decided to give it a last chance. That night I quietly walked into the drawing room after everyone was fast asleep at night. 

Channel 66. Yay! Fashion TV! OMG! Midnight HOT! In 5...4...3...2...1! 

Wait...whaa..??? This can't be happening! Are you kidding me? Asaram Bapu on Aastha Channel! Damn you cable operator! That despicable idiot changed the connection. 

F@#K it! Am going back to my laptop. Forever.